Jack the Brindle Bulldog

ALSO

Industry Night tonight at the Stephen Talkhouse. Guess whattttttttt you guys? (When you read that, read it in the style of a Valley Girl whose voice rises at the end of sentences that aren’t even questions.) Drink specials are $5 for a Bud Light.

A $5 Bud Light is a drink special.

Bud Light for $5.

BECAUSE WE’RE IN THE HAMPTONS AND NORMALLY THE TALKHOUSE SELLS THEM FOR $8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Waitressing: LIX: Barefoot Contessa Part Deux

I waited on Ina Garten and Jeffery again! (And Candace Bergen, but I didn’t know it at the time. She is one distinguished, classic, handsome older lady who is soooooo nice.) But INA! And I recommended wine to her. She was all, “Tell me about this Italian wine?” And I was like, “The Nero? No, you don’t want that. It’s not as full-bodied as the cabernet.” And she goes, “What about the shiraz.” And I say, “Do not get the shiraz. No bueno.” So I brought them glasses of cabernet and they liked them so much they ordered another round and Jeffery tipped $25 on $108 and all I wanted to do was hold Ina’s hands in mine and rattle of a list of all of her recipes I’ve ever cooked, detailing how each one tasted, and how much I love the casual elegance and, at the same time, ridiculous expensiveness of her TV show and lifestyle and I brushed her Hermés wallet (she left it on the table) with my finger and it felt like the most beautiful dream. When they left I felt a little sadness and I realized it’s because I secretly hope they’ll see something in me and recognize me for the discerning person that I am and Ina will say, “Why don’t you be on my show for an episode?” And then I’ll die because my life will be complete.

sassywondergrrl replied to your post: Waitressing: LVIII: Proper Application of the Word…

I need their address; There is going to be a hate crime.

Ahhhh…if only…

Waitressing: LVIII: Proper Application of the Word “Grody”

1. Finding a hair extension under Table 3.

Unrelated: FOR THE 9-TOP THAT WRACKED UP A $200 TAB AND DECIDED NOT TO TIP ME BECAUSE I DIDN’T “CHECK” ON THEM—which, by the way, how is it possible that I didn’t check on your table when I went over and asked how everything was and got the okay, went over again and refilled your children’s drinks, and went over a third time and replaced a dirty wine glass?—THE UNIVERSE WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS AND I PRAY YOU’RE STUCK IN AN 8 HOUR TRAFFIC JAM WHEN YOU RETURN TO YOUR MISERABLE LIVES AND THAT YOU RECEIVE HORRIBLE SERVICE AT EVERY OTHER RESTAURANT YOU GO TO AND THAT YOU HAVE TO WAIT AN HOUR JUST TO GET YOUR APPETIZERS AND IF I SEE YOU OUT IN THE REAL WORLD I MAY JUST TRY TO SPIT ON YOU BUT IN A WAY SO YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO TELL IT’S ME AND YOU’LL WONDER, FOR A BRIEF SECOND, IF IT’S RAINING BUT THEN REALIZE, “NO! SOMEBODY SPIT ON ME!” BUT BY THEN I’LL BE GONE, JUST A FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION EXCEPT I’LL COME BACK TO HAUNT YOUR DREAMS—A SPECTRE REMINDING YOU OF ALL YOUR PAST MISTAKES, THE ANGRY, VENGEFUL WAITRESS.

In which we all get lyme disease and take a very long nap.

Our cat, Mishu, brings home the ticks. We are not negligent pet owners—we use Frontline every month and make sure to pick the ticks off of him, yet we still miss a few, I’m sure. I went to the bathroom at work the other evening and guess where I found a tick? It wasn’t inside, but on…which is still horrifying enough.

If I cared enough or I thought you cared I would a take a picture of the long traffic jam headed east that is forming in front of our porch. So far today I’ve heard Gotye’s “Somebody I Used To Know” (for the hundredth-millionth time), and Daddy Yankee’s “Gasolina,” blasted from car stereos. 

It’s shaping up to be quite a Memorial Day weekend! We’re down a busser tonight and the GM is going to be on a double shift which means that by closing time tonight I will be either dead or drunk, whichever is a more effective way of dulling the pain of having to repeat, “Cheddar, American, Blue, and Swiss” every time someone orders a burger and didn’t read the menu and gives me a blank look when I ask what kind of cheese they would like and replies with either “Mozzarella” or “Provolone” and then my inner sane person weeps tragically for humanity’s growing lack of awareness and I sneak a white wine spritzer from the bar to help ease my way through the rest of my shift. Or I just stab my eye out with a pen.

Waitressing: LVII

Man: Don’t take this the wrong way, but you look like Barbra Steisand.

Me: It’s okay, I’ve been called worse.

Unfollowing

This isn’t personal. I’m also not really that involved in this community, so I don’t expect rivers of sorrow or anything like that.

I’m addicted to mindless consumption of anything. Not that you guys are mindless, but I don’t engage with many of your posts on a level that’s deep or meaningful because that’s just how I am in this place.

I successfully cut out all the celebrity gossip websites from my life several months ago. I didn’t even know Jessica Simpson had her baby until I read it on a supermarket tabloid and that made me happy. Tumblr has kind of begun to fill the void of the gossip sites, and that’s not a good thing. I need to be reading more fiction and writing more creatively on my own time rather than perusing my dash.

So! I’m unfollowing pretty much everyone. I’ll still be posting, because my blog is a good outlet for me to write and to vent about various things in my life (ie: waitressing) and it would be totally awesome if you guys kept reading and commenting BUT I completely understand if you unfollow me, too.

It’s been real, as they say. I plan to start following again when I get some of my pesky life goals accomplished. Good luck y’all and keep out of trouble!

Waitressing: LVI

35% minimum gratuity if your child pukes all over the booth, I have to clean it up, and you ask me to ask the kitchen to remake all the food you ordered to go.

ALSO: AARP Magazine needs to have a feature titled, “Things You of Which You Should Be Aware in You Advanced Age,” and it will have little tidbits of info like, “Tipping now starts at 18%. It doesn’t work to just double the tax, folks!” and, “Don’t point at where you’d like to sit/what you’d like to order. People in modern times appreciate voice articulation!” and, “Don’t expect the climate of any indoor space to be readjusted to suit your personal temperature needs. Wear layers when you go out!”